Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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