Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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