it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
