My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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