Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
