It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
