Duck Duck Cougar?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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