Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
