what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
