Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
