He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
