Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
