My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
