My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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