So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
