Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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