I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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