You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
