Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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