final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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