my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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