Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
