I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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