I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
