Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Randomize
