carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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