I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
