i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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