you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You took a bar mat shot.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
