Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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