Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
there is glitter all over my balls
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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