Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
