I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You may now shotgun with the bride
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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