God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
