It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
accomplished twins. life is a go
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
