dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
