Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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