No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We are all done wearing pants today
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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