2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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