We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Randomize
