It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can't put those talents on a resume
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
