Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
