just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So many bounce houses so little time
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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