Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
