I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
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