If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
