I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
