i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
