i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
