This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
