Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
