last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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