I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
