If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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