How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
