They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
